Story by: Maggie Brown, News/Copy Editor
Photo by: Zoe Jenkins, staff photographer
Aries- There is a man. The man does not know your name, or who you are. He never will, unless you save him. Please, save him.
Taurus- This new year, spice things up a little! Spice everything up a little! Rub oregano on everyone you love!
Gemini- Life may seem a bit unmanageable right now, but that’s only because it is and death comes for us all.
Cancer- Don’t shoot the messenger! Someone will hear the gunshot. Stab the messenger and dispose of the body accordingly.
Leo- Be very very careful, or the twisted nonsense of logical thinking will destroy you.
Virgo- Something fascinating is happening soon. Check your local Food Network listings.
Libra- Today is your lucky day, which is nice, because tomorrow is your unlucky day. Bring bug spray and be prepared for anything.
Scorpio- It is escaping. Quickly, go to it before anyone hears its ghastly crying. Run, Scorpio. Run.
Sagittarius- Pennies seem worthless, I know, but collect as many as you possibly can before sunset. You’ll understand when the time comes.
Capricorn- That thing you’ve been thinking about buying for the past couple of days? Buy it in bulk.
Aquarius- Throw a dinner party. Pick it up and fling it to the other end of the continent. Go on, we all know you’ve been hiding your powers from us. Throw it. Throw the party.
Pisces- Do not cover him with corn. The birds will peck it all away and you will be discovered. Cover him with grass. Cows are much lazier than birds.